I Miss My Kids

As most of you know, the last few months have been a very difficult time in my life. I'll be honest; with everything that's been happening for me, I'm a bit astonished at how well I've kept some of the bitterness, melancholy, and negativity out of my blog posts. It's become increasingly obvious to me that this time is not a time of pure pain for me...God is not doing this to punish me for anything I've done. During this whole mess I've been able to discover some new things about myself and others, things I probably would never have known if I hadn't had to go through it. I've discovered a well of strength in my life, and that is my relationship with Jesus. I've rediscovered what a wonderful family and group of friends I have around me, and all the love and support that they can provide. I've discovered that I can successfully live alone, something I never really had to do before. And most significantly, I've recovered the feeling of love I have for my children.

Please bear with me a moment while I discuss an apparently disconnected idea to lay a foundation for my later statements. I've seen with greater clarity the pain of the constant "Battle of the Sexes" that is waged every day in this world. There is, amazingly, a great deal of enmity between men and women that goes to a very deep and dark place within our psyches. I've heard stories from women of incredibly bad treatment by boorish, thoughtless men, enough to make me wonder how men and women get together in the first place. I've heard stories from men of greedy and heartless women who use the preconceptions built into our divorce system to their advantage, essentially leaving behind a man who ends up incredibly poor and separated from his children. What preconceptions do I mean? You all know...everyone knows. The old idea that men don't have as close a tie to any offspring their beget, and that the father's role in the life of children is not as important as the mother's. There is a great deal of talk about inequity between the sexes, about how men have more advantages and more opportunities than women, and unfortunately, it's true in many cases. But the same ridiculous ideas and stereotypes that lead to those problems, also work in the other direction and create equal but much less-frequently-discussed problems for men. I'm not speaking here of the boorish, thoughtless men I mentioned above; such men as those really deserve no consideration in a discussion this serious. I'm speaking of the decent, hard-working, honest, good men of this world, the ones who step up to the plate and handle their responsibilities, do what is asked of them, and have feelings and sensitivities that occsionally make them cry (but never needlessly).

How does this relate to me and my kids? Something else I've learned, or more precisely, felt through the last few months is the pain of separation from my children. I have realized (discovered, rediscovered, I'm not sure how best to put it) how much I love and miss them. I love hearing their laughter at my stupid jokes. I have to admit now to my father, that I understand why he kept making those stupid jokes all the time when I was growing up...it wasn't so that we would think he was funny, but it was so he could hear us laugh again. I understand that now and I feel it every time I'm with them. I love watching my children play, and I love joining in. I'm still just a big kid at heart, just like my dad always was. He was never too mature to sit down with me and play with my Legos with me. He was never too busy to go outside and play catch. He was never too old to read comic books with me. I have kept that trait of him in myself, and I love it! For those of you who pooh-pooh the idea of just playing with your children and playing something THEY want to play, you're missing SO much, and the memories you are willingly leaving behind will pile up until you get old and it's too late to dig them out of that pile. I love making dinner for them, talking about what we're going to eat. I love just sitting down and watching TV with them. I love introducing them to my music, my goofy 80s/electronica/oldies/college fight song/whatever music, then singing along with them. I love playing games with them and seeing them catch on, even if we just make up the rules as we go. I love watching them grow and change and learn...how exciting it is to see them experience new things and learn the ways of this world and this life! I love hearing the goofy, funny, hilarious things they say sometimes, the things that will be (and some that have already become) a part of the sacred lore of our family. Every child creates these moments, and we parents are so fortunate to have these children and to provide these moments to us, even as observers. I cherish these experiences so much more now, more even than I did before I moved out.

I know how much the kids miss me, and how much more they need my presence now than they did before. Especially Connor...the poor little guy. I really feel sorry for him. He is stuck in that house with all girls. He has male friends at school, and sometimes they come over to play, but he doesn't really have any persistent male figure in his life except me, and I'm not there as much as I need or want to be. He really needs me now more than ever, and I see it. I also hear it, because he always tells me how much more he wants to see me. Cyndi (his aunt who still lives at the house with them) tells me how excited he is for the several days before he sees me, and how he's always asking when he'll get to see me again. I don't think he gets much direct experience with boy-things and boy-issues except when he's with me. He certainly doesn't have anyone who plays Yu-Gi-Oh with him over there like I do. Katie does such a good job of watching and helping him, but she needs her own time sometimes, and she's getting older...

Ah, Katie. She's already blossoming into a young lady. She's nearly 10, and I know she needs more time with me, though the changes that are already beginning to happen in her are causing some conflict. I have been bracing myself for some time for these things to come up, because I know it will probably cause some difficulties for us in the not-too-distant future. So I'm just working to enjoy what we have now, and keep building upon that foundation so that when those changes hit full-force, we'll have a shelter to help us weather the storm. This past week, if you recall, I mentioned going clothes-shopping with her. I'm consciously working to cultivate some experiences with her that don't come merely from things I want us to do together, but things that SHE might like us to do together. She already loves golf, and she's so excited that once she turns 10 on May 6th, she'll be able to go out and play on the big course with me. But her interest in golf comes directly from me, and I wanted to experience something she likes to do. And of course, she LOVES clothes-shopping. So that's what we did. It was so much fun to go around with her and talk about different outfits. We went to Kohl's and she immediately noticed something interesting about the place, something I never really thought about. She mentioned how Kohl's is a place where you can create "The Look"...in other words, you can get a full outfit and all the accessories you'll need there. Every time we went to a different department, she'd see something more and remark on The Look again. She's so funny. I'm so happy and thrilled and ecstatic at the time we had, the connection we made, and the memories we have now from that.

My heart aches when my kids are not with me. Sometimes the pain is manageable, and sometimes, it becomes unbearable and I just sit down and cry. When April 11th comes, I'm going to ask the judge for 50/50 split time with them. I think we need each other pretty badly now...I know I need them in my life as much as I can. Those preconceptions I mentioned earlier? They seem to come from the idea that men don't really care as much about their kids. All I have to say to that is, those ideas could only have come from either the boorish, thoughtless men, or the greedy, heartless women. No real parent, no serious, committed father or mother could ever think of such foolishness.

Thanks for reading along.