So, That Was Fun

I'm back off of hiatus. It was longish for me, I guess, but there was quite a bit happening for me, mostly with my mental state. I have been having a difficult time adjusting to being back in Oklahoma. It doesn't have to do with Oklahoma, really. It really just has to do with me. I wrote Heidi an e-mail a week or so ago in which I detailed my concerns. Everyone would think that, because I'm back here now, where I've wanted to be for so long, everything would just be wonderful and peachy and terrific. It hasn't been that way for me, though, and it's mostly of my own making. Despite accomplishing one of my big life goals (getting back to Oklahoma), I've still been very negative, very pessimistic about pretty much everything. Heidi has taken that really hard, too, and that's only made things worse for both of us. The best way to illustrate my concerns is to reproduce some of the e-mail (and my apologies to you, sweetheart, for revealing our secret communications...I have removed some of the mushier parts):

I wanted to write to you and say that I love you, first of all. But I
also wanted to tell you that I am afraid. I know you think that I am
unhappy here, but that's not really right. We've been talking about it
quite a bit, of course, but the truth of the matter is that I am
afraid, not unhappy. I am afraid that I have been tainted by living
away from Oklahoma too long...there are things here that, even though
I am from here, I am having to readjust to after 12 years away. I
spent so long in Colorado's culture, that there are things here that
don't feel right like they used to. I still love it here, it's still
my home, but I obviously will have to readjust to being here. I just
don't want it to take me another 12 years, and I am afraid because
this place sometimes seems strange now, even to me, a native.

I am afraid that all of the adversity we had over the past year has
beaten me down too much for me to recover and be fully positive and
happy again. I'm afraid that my spirit is broken and can't be fixed.
Remember how I was after I first moved out from the house with Lisa? I
was happy and positive and I knew good things were coming. This time,
after so much adversity, I don't feel that charge, that positive move,
that adjustment. And I don't know how to get it back. My passion never
seems to be positive passion any more; it now seems to be just anger,
and despite all my attempts to tell myself that anger is not
constructive, I just seem to get angry. You know how there are people
who get beaten down by life and never recover? I am afraid that I have
become one of those people, and I don't know how to fix it.

I am afraid that even though I pay it lip service and I pray at meals
and I'm always asking God to help me trust Him, I have truly lost my
faith that He has a plan for me and for us.

I am afraid that, because I have so much to do here, I won't be able
to keep up with the things from Colorado that have to be finished,
like getting a good schedule with the kids. I think I've somewhat
given up on the idea that Katie and Connor will be able to move down
here at all...I just think there is too much there, too much of a
chasm to bridge. Besides, neither of them seems all that interested,
and that scares me, too.

I'm afraid that our financial situation will never be resolved, and
we'll be those people who have to work until they die. I don't want it
to be like that for us, but it sure doesn't feel like we're ever going
to be able to get in a good financial spot. I thought we would be OK
after the move, because I set so much aside and I fully believed we
would be OK. But instead, again, something comes up to completely
smash those plans and any hope we might have. I'm planning for the
extra money we'll have at the beginning of December, but I'm afraid
something else major will come up to take all of that away...yet
again. I'm tired of being broke all the time, but despite my best
efforts, there just doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

I am afraid that there is still too much out of my control and I won't
be able to reorganize my life. I said last week, both to you and in my
blog post, that I have to get my life reorganized? With all of these
things that I can't keep pinned down, and with so many other people
still forcing things on me, I don't feel like I can do anything for
myself. For example, the Blackberry thing. It's not just about having
a stupid Blackberry...it's about being forced by someone else to keep
and maintain a tool that does nothing for me. I've been working with
it the past week or so, since I got it, to try and figure out how to
use it to help me. But it's so clunky and inefficient. (If they had
just let me get a Treo....in fact, I'm still considering just going
out and buying a Day Planner and just being done with it. At least
those are relatively cheap.) But again, I don't even have much control
over how I organize my own life, and that scares me, because we both
know how scatter-brained I am already. You say I'm distracted, but
let's face it; since I got rid of the Treo, my ability to remember
things and to keep my life organized has gone down the toilet. Until
that can be fixed or handled in some way, I'm going to be like this.

When we were talking about how you feel last night, and how you
believe that you can't make people you care about happy, it's not that
you are not able to...it's just that there are all of these things in
front of me. I can't just let go of these things...that's why you've
seen me dabbling with tai chi again recently. I need something to calm
me, to try and let go of this stuff, and all my tools and the stuff
for the cars are all packed still so I don't even have my old refuge
of working on the cars (besides, working on the cars takes money and
we don't have much of that). So it really isn't you...there's not
anything anyone can do until some of these things start to get cleared
up, and I just don't know how long that's going to be. Even with this
move, that should have made me blissfully happy, there is still so much
pounding against us that must be resolved or fixed or handled.

I hope that gives you all an idea of the struggles I'm facing. I mean, seriously...if you're a long-time reader and you haven't noticed the negative tone the blog has taken the past several months, you must be blind. Just compare what it's been to what it was before, say, this past March. Go back to 2005 or 2006 (it's all right there in the archives) and see how happy I was. I really am afraid of what I have become, and that I can't be really happy now. I am struggling so much with all of this, and I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I don't want to drive my wife away or let my kids see me as a bitter, ruined man. I don't want to be a bitter, ruined man. I just don't know how to fix it. I'm not one of those people who can just believe that things are good. I am not one of those people who just knows God is there, regardless of what happens. My mind always gets in the way. I have gone so long just waiting for the next stomach-punch that I've become cynical.

People need faith, trust, and hope to survive and stay happy. I haven't had much of those particular character traits lately. Please, wherever you are, pray for me. We're mostly out of the woods in terms of a lot of our troubles, but I need thoughts and prayers to get through this. Please pray that God will send me the reassurance from Him that I need so desperately.

Thanks for reading along.