The Worst of the 80s

I like a lot of stuff from the 80s. I like 80s music, and I like those "Best of the 80s" compilations. I decided to put together a "Worst of the 80s" list, such as I might use if I were making my own music compilation. I thought about songs that are just horrid, either for their awful sound or for their sappiness, or their cheesy sentiment, or whatever. I've got ones I think of and I also consulted my resident music expert Heidi. So here's Volume I of our list of the worst songs of the 1980s:

Dexy's Midnight Runners, "Come On Eileen" -- commonly considered a classic of the 80s, I have always loathed this song from the core of my being. It just sounds dirty to me. I don't mean naughty, but dirty. Like every one of those guys just walked into the studio after wallowing in the mud for 30 minutes. And of course, Heidi agreed that it's bad, so on the list it goes.

Ultravox, "Dancing With Tears In My Eyes" -- We all remember that there was a big fixation with dancing in music of the 80s...Footloose...Careless Whisper...Dancing In The Sheets. But this early experiment in combining that fixation with teen angst was a train wreck. Seriously, listen to this and imagine all the 14-year-old girls wailing this with their girlfriends after getting dumped at the dance.

Spandau Ballet, "Gold" -- I don't usually say that a song sounds gay, but this song really sounds gay. I mean GAY.

Soft Cell, "Say Hello, Wave Goodbye" -- Yes, they of "Tainted Love" fame. Listen to it some time...it's about 12 minutes long, the lyrics are crap, and the lead singer wails. Seriously.

Starship, "We Built This City" -- Bad for its ridiculous idolizing of San Francisco, and worse for the rework of the DJ voice-over by every American radio station to fit their particular city. (Tulsa's radio stations did it, so I'm sure all the other stations probably did, too.) In fact, just add in about everything Starship did in the 80s, like "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now".

Alphaville, "Forever Young" -- Another song that's about 10 minutes too long. And it's a 7-minute-song.

ABC, "Posion Arrow" -- It's not as gay as "Gold", but it's close. You'll want to shoot a poison arrow through your own heart when this comes on the radio.

Will To Power, "Baby, I Love Your Way" -- When it comes on, sap literally drips from the radio. It's worse when they play the version that is the medley with "Freebird".

Europe, "The Final Countdown" -- The opening riff is classic, but it can't save this horrendous power ballad...or whatever the heck you call it.

Night Ranger, "Sister Christian" -- I'm not much of a hair band fan, but most of that music still had some kind of merit, some way that that you could see how someone else might like it. Not so with this one.

Eddie Murphy, "Party All The Time" -- Eddie Murphy. 'Nuff said.

Michael Bolton, "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You" -- Some of his other stuff is all right, but I don't know how anyone can stand his yelling in this song for very long.

We hope you enjoyed the list. Drop a comment if you have an idea for a song to add. To close this out, I'll say this: as a wise person once said, "If I have a flaw, it's that I'm not perfect." Thanks for reading along.