Desperate Times

I haven't done an update post for a while, so perhaps it's time. It's been a very rough start to the year for the Mallow family. We've been having some financial issues that aren't going to get better any time soon, and it might involve a substantial step back to resolve fully...not bankruptcy, but not exactly a positive note on my credit, either. Now, I'm not all that concerned about it at this point; thanks to some external mitigating factors, like my ex-wife's issues with our old mortgage and her subsequent decision to file for bankruptcy herself, my credit is already in bad shape, so a little extra short-term damage, or even medium-term damage won't kill me. I'm at least 2-3 years from doing anything substantive with my credit (e.g., buying a home with a traditional mortgage), so...eh. But it's still troubling, because I make a pretty good amount of money, yet we're still strapped because of these past mistakes I've made and these other factors that have conspired to get us where we are. Like I said, there are some actions I can take to take control again, but they're not necessarily good ones. Regardless, we'll make do...I have a wonderful wife and kids, good health, a roof over our heads, and food to eat. Ultimately, we'll recover.

My grandfather, who had a big part in raising me when I was a kid, is now 84 years old and he's got a strange "spot" on his leg that has eaten into his leg bone. They're not sure if it's cancer or just some sort of infection, but in either case, surgery will be required. He's already had a few heart attacks and a stroke, and he's very feeble compared with how he used to be, so we're not sure if he'd make it through the surgery. And of course, if it's cancer, radiation would be required, which would take a further toll on him. All of this will be coming to a head within about a month. Given his past health issues, I'm not optimistic, but he's had some rough health issues and made it through to this point, so you never know. I am concerned mostly because, as one of only two members of my close family outside of Oklahoma, I have missed other recent difficult times. This really hurts me, because I couldn't be around to help the family, provide or enjoy that support, and mourn when needed. My Grandpa Mallow, "Grandpa Lee" (step-grandfather I've had since I was about 2), and Aunt Dena all passed away over the last few years and I wasn't around for any of that. I only got to say goodbye to Aunt Dena because we happened to be in town a few weeks before she passed away. Being so far removed from the family I grew up so close to is the biggest challenge I have, living here in Colorado. I don't get to join in on birthday or anniversary celebrations, help out if they're sick or down, pop in for dinner or a weekend, or really do much that most good, close families do. So that makes this situation with my grandpa, who I am very close to and always have been, that much more difficult.

Owen is in a "transitional time," as Heidi puts it. He's having trouble sleeping, he's off his schedule (not that he ever had a really set one), and he had been sick until this past weekend. He's been very cranky and not as happy as usual, though that has changed a little the last few days. We're having two main issues with him right now. First, he is becoming a very picky eater. He likes big people food and he likes nursing, but he isn't interested in regular jar baby food any more, which has been his staple for a few months now. Because most of his intake comes from the jar food, this has been a big problem. Second, he doesn't want to sleep in his own bed. He has had a few opportunities to sleep with Mommy and Daddy, and he's discovered that he prefers that. We like it, too...except that he's something of a restless sleeper and kicks and hits us at night. And when he wakes up at 5:30 am, he hits us repeatedly with his hand (that's one of his ways of playing). As you might imagine, this is not conducive to good sleep habits. He also gets very fussy when he wakes in the middle of the night, even if he's not hungry, and he has trouble getting himself back to sleep. Admittedly, we've caused this issue ourselves, by going in and soothing him or rocking him to help him get back to sleep. We've been working with him to try to get him to go down on his own, and to self-soothe so he can learn to sleep on his own. It's been very, very difficult, however, even with Heidi and I working together on it.

Donovan has been struggling greatly the last several months with issues at school and at home. He is a very physical little boy and he sometimes has difficulties making good choices. He's also very dramatic at times and that can make things difficult. He's getting a lot better but we have a lot of challenges with him. I'm hoping the new year gets him started in a good way. Life has been more difficult for him since his dad moved to Illinois nearly a year and a half ago, and even though I have stepped in as much as possible as a father figure, he still needs his real dad around more. His dad calls 1-2 times a day, usually in the morning and right before bed, but it's not the same. He needs that presence. It has its positives, but it also takes its toll on him, and sometimes I suspect that he's acting out because of frustration with a lot of these things in his life. His early life was very turbulent, with Heidi's divorce and the subsequent moving around, and he's doing very well, all things considered. There are still challenges for him and for us, though, and they're not simple ones.

I've been increasingly worried for Connor. In a positive way, he's really started to love coming over to our house for his weeks with us. This has been a wonderful change from the early hesitation he had. However, I think there's a negative aspect to this; from things he's mentioned to Heidi, it sounds like he's not getting a lot of attention when he's at his mom's, because they're very busy over there and so he ends up on his own quite a bit. I suspect that it doesn't help that he's the only male over there most of the time. Lisa does things with him, don't think I'm saying she's neglecting him, but she has a lot of other concerns, and Katie is very busy with her dance stuff, and his aunt Cyndi is very busy with work and is apparently working nights and sleeping days, and so he has to spend a lot of time doing his own thing. This isn't a good thing for any kid, and I don't want him to feel neglected, whether he is being neglected in fact or not.

We did have a great event over the holidays. Katie came over and actually spent the night with us for the first time in nearly a year. It was generally good but we had so many other things going on that it still had some challenges for us. Plus, Katie herself is getting older (she's 12 and a half now, and in full swing as a "tween") and has some issues of her own. It's really difficult for us with her age and her separation from me, because normally she would have me around more but we just can't seem to get into a good groove with her. Her visits have been good, but they seem more by rote or obligation. I know this is somewhat natural, again considering her age and how her life is now, but it's not any less difficult to accept and deal with.

Heidi herself is dealing with some issues of her own, as she looks around her, sees a lot of these causes for despair, and struggles mightily to fight off her own tendencies to become negative and to languish in these depressing situations. She takes so much of what happens in our home and in our lives straight to heart, and it hurts her mightily when she sees us unhappy. She admits that one of her greatest goals is to do things to help make us happy, and she takes it personally when other things still keep us down, despite her best efforts.

Life on the Board of Directors isn't exactly a picnic. We're doing some great things and generally the school is moving along very well. However, now that the school is 8 years old, we're moving from the "new school" model to the "maturing school" model and it's giving us some new issues Some of our scores are dropping, we had a member of the Board resign this week, citing some very specific and serious concerns, and there's a general malaise across our parent community that has resulted in a lot of clique-ishness and very little volunteerism and participation. We've had some parents who have been the real water carriers for the school for so long, and they're getting tired. In the meantime, we don't have new blood stepping up to start taking over some very important things. We had a small group of vocal parents who were moving but they have specific gripes of their own and have mostly ended their participation. In short, there are some things that need to change or the school is going to stagnate. We're losing critical energy and enthusiasm, and that's very troubling. I won't lie; several parents fault the Board for not leading properly, and I see that myself to a degree. I'm trying to make effort as much as possible in some areas where I might be able to help change things, but my own time is already so limited with two jobs, Masters classes, and minding my own house. I'm not complaining, but you can see how this contributes to the overall agenda of my life and my corresponding stress levels.

All of these things are making it difficult to maintain my focus at work, where life is getting more hardcore. We have some audits coming up soon and there's still a lot to be done in getting our operational house in order, so we're all pushed to the wall with deadlines and getting things accomplished. My regular times of having to handle small personal details at work, and the resulting distractions and constant reminders of all of the above challenges, make it extremely difficult to keep pounding away.

Life will improve, I know, and I'm still fighting, still working hard to keep things running smoothly. It's tough, though...especially when you wake up every day and those problems are still there with no end or improvement in sight. It's a long slog and can be very hard to maintain a positive, upbeat attitude and approach. We're not desperate, as the title of this post might indicate, but we do have a lot of big challenges ahead, and the new year, always so full of promise when as approach it, has not been too kind to this point. Hope springs eternal, though; just pray for us that God will continue to give us strength and patience, and that we will not lose our faith and hope in Him to lead, guide, protect, and bless us all. Personally I'm hoping for some real improvement in just one of the above areas, in the hopes that it would be a real turning point for us a and a catalyst for improvement in the other areas.

Thanks for reading along.