Another day on the roller coaster...
Today hasn't been quite so turbulent. In fact, the last few weeks haven't been quite so turbulent as the last several months, at least not for me. I can't help, however, this ominous feeling that I'm merely experiencing the calm before the storm. Heidi and I signed the lease for the new rental house on Friday, so that's assured; even that feels strangely fluid, though. The upcoming move, scheduled for August 6 and 7, will certainly be a bear. I have to move all my stuff, then we have to figure out how we're going to move all of Heidi's stuff. More money, more time. This amid the usual activites of my packed life; day job, teaching, parenting time. Golf will be out for a while, and I'll be lucky to squeeze in my half-hour T'ai Chi classes once a week.
Then, of course, there's The Hearing, currently scheduled (with fingers crossed) for August 3rd, a week from tomorrow. This is my greatest source of anxiety, head and shoulders above all other sources. I can't deny that I am afraid. I keep telling myself that the chances of my situation getting worse, or even staying as it currently stands, are ridiculously low. I keep telling myself that God will put the situation right, that He wouldn't let me continue to suffer with the small amount of parenting time and outrageous costs that I've had for nearly a year. I keep telling myself to just relax...to let go and let God...to have faith that this will work out...to have faith in God's plan for my life. But, to be honest, Colorado hasn't exactly been good to me since I arrived here, and that is my biggest fear. All of you, my faithful readers, already remember the vitriol that spewed forth from me when the hearing was cancelled back in April. This was just another part of a long string of disappointments and bad luck at the hand of Colorado and its various systems of repression, against which I have beat my skull since I first moved here nearly 9 years ago.
And hence, my biggest fear in this entire process: that Colorado will just screw me again. A wildfire could start in Golden and proceed all the way to the courthouse, damaging it badly and forcing yet another 4-month postponement. Lisa could find some other legal way to force another delay. The judge could be governed by the standard mother-oriented prejudices of the system and leave things as they stand or even make the situation worse, cranking up the amount I pay while reducing my parenting time and leaving me no protection against Lisa deciding to take the kids and move away. What happens in this hearing will irrevocably change the rest of my life, and that is the true source of my fear. It's not even a fear of the unknown, really; I've lived with this madness for over a year and I must continue to live with the outcome, no matter what that may be. It's just the fear that, yet again, when given a chance to come through and give me a positive, worthwhile event to remember from my time here, this state will yet again just jam it right up my ol' rear end. This would, I fear, be the last straw, the final sign from God that I am not meant to live here. My enthusiasm for this state and nearly everything in it, never terribly high to begin with and ever worsening from the repeated blows to the head that Colorado has provided and continues to provide, will reach a point of critical mass. Nothing, not the 14ers, not Heidi's love for this place nor her desire to stay here, not Westminster and its allures, not a two-year lease on a rental home, would be enough to prevent me from fleeing this place. All that would remain is all my family far, far away, liberal nutjobs, rock chips on windshields, BS traffic tickets (and other signs of the inept law enforcement establishment here...don't even get me started), idiot drivers rear-ending me (or those I love) because they're not paying attention, goofball politicians with ridiculous ideas, traffic all the time, and of course, snow, snow, and more snow. I would simply explode, finally leaving this wretched place behind for good, with no regrets nor even a glance backward. I would stop after crossing the border and shake the dust off my shoes.
There are blessed few positive memories I can think of for this place, truly happy things that could help stave off such negative feelings. My son was born here, but even that happy memory, one I still cherish, is tarnished by the fact that he was born in Boulder, the one town I hate most in the entire state. My poor son...he'll have to live his entire life with that stigma and there's not anything I can do about it. (Perhaps I could alter his birth certificate...) I did get to see OU win their 7th National Championship while I lived here, back in 2000. That wasn't too bad, but it still would've been all the sweeter to experience it with the rest of the Sooner Nation, back in the homeland. I had an eagle while playing golf on my birthday back in 2000. I won $750 gambling up in Blackhawk. You could credit my career success to my living here in Denver during the boom, but frankly, I feel I could succeed in just about any career I choose, no matter where I live.
The one enduring, positive thing that I have from here is Heidi. She was sent to me by God and continues to bless me in so many ways. I can only hope that, no matter what happens at the hearing, she will be enough to sustain me here. Well, you know what they say about the love of a good woman...perhaps it will be true for me. I hope you're up to it, sweetheart, because this might take a great deal of strength, from both of us.
On the other hand, I'm just hoping that, for once, I'll be celebrating a major victory here rather than mourning another defeat.
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