As most of you know, the last several weeks have been difficult for me. It really began with the blizzard that wiped out my original final orders hearing date back on April 11th, and it hasn't been very good since. I had already mentioned before that I felt as though I had gone backward in time, and that I felt nothing had moved, nothing had changed. I was in a huge rut, in some ways even worse than the similar rut I was in back in January, when I really felt down. This time, though, the helplessness, the feeling of being adrift or out of control, was much sharper and lingered much longer than before. Many things have happened in the time since that first hearing date, and so I've been fighting through them, but this time it has been much harder.
I felt, just for a while, as though I had lost my faith. I felt as though I was back to nothing more than getting hit with a stick every day. And as ashamed as I am to admit it, I began to feel as though God wasn't doing anything to help me, to make things better again.
This last week or two has really changed all of that. It all began about two weeks ago when Heidi and I sat down and had a very frank discussion about our relationship and our future. It turned out to be a wonderful thing for us, and really opened the way for even more of the honesty I mentioned in my last post. I went into the conversation with some pretty serious doubts about us, but I came out convinced that we will be together for a good long while. Things have been on the up and up between us since then.
This week, I found out some more not-so-good news. Beginning in August, Westwood College of Technology, where I teach three nights a week (for very good extra money that I need right now, I might add), will require that all instructors either a) have a Masters degree, or b) be enrolled in a Masters program. Now, since I'm already working a day job, teaching three nights a week, and trying to juggle the additional requirements of my kids, Heidi, church, and dance, I really don't have time to try to squeeze in enrolling (and passing, mind you) a Masters-level information security course. Also, I'm broke, so I can't pay for it myself, and I'd feel really dishonest asking my day job to pay, just so that I could keep working a second job. So, come August, I'll be losing about $1000 a month after taxes. That's going to put even more of a squeeze on me, and it could make living difficult, unless I find another job or work out some other arrangements for my debt and living expenses. I also have a new final orders hearing date set for August 3rd. AND my apartment lease is up August 15th. I will definitely be moving out of my current place the, because the one-bedroom bachelor pad just isn't doing it for me (especially since I'm figuring on getting more time with my kids, meaning I'll need more space). It appears that August is going to be a big month for me...possibly even one of those special change-the-entire-course-of-the-rest-of-my-life months that come around from time to time.
And you know what? I realized yesterday that I'm OK with that. For the last two days, I've had a level of inner peace and calm that I haven't had in quite some time. I've been able to feel God's hand upon me again, helping to hold me up under everything. I couldn't feel it before, or I was preventing myself from feeling it before, and so it was very difficult to maintain my calm. But for some reason, with all of the uncertainty of not having the second job, and of what happens with the final orders hearing, and of what's going on with my upcoming move, I'm just not worried. I'm at peace, and somehow, I know God will work it out for me.
Normally I'm on edge from all of this, and it bleeds into other things. For example, my driving. Sometimes I get irritated with others drivers and what they're doing (or not doing). But the last two days, for some odd reason, what other people were doing just didn't bother me. I had two drivers cut me off on the highway, and it didn't phase me in the least. I must really be over that hump.
I'm currently at peace. I hope I can maintain it, and with God's help, I will.
Thanks for reading along.
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