The Essence of Happiness

I was driving in to work this morning and listening to Laura Ingraham. It was a "Best of..." show, talk radio's term for "re-run". I don't listen to her show often, mostly because while I like her, sometimes she can get a bit shrill with her viewpoints. She can become very aggressive needlessly, especially on family-related issues. Many might argue this is a common failing of conservative talk show hosts, and in some cases they're right. But I digress.

In this segment she was discussing this gentleman, originally reported on the Today Show back in early October. Laura referred to him as "Vasectomy Boy" rather than by his name, Toby Byrum. Now, I've had a lot of reproduction-related posts lately, because I think we're starting to see a huge backlash from people on the Left who are actively waging war against traditional families and even child-bearing in general. We've seen a lot of stories lately that exemplify the Left's war on the human future. Abortion activism. Radical feminism, in which women rebel against "society's imposed gender roles and refuse to become mothers." "Gay rights" activism and promotion of the gay lifestyle (remember, gays can't have kids the normal way...they have to borrow from others, and most seem to not want children, anyway). Recently we've seen Greenies who don't want kids because they believe it's bad for the planet. As if this weren't laughable enough, they further want to tax the rest of us who DO want to have children. Does anyone see a pattern here?

Look at the picture, watch the video, listen to the guy talk, read his bio, look at the way he dresses, observe his mannerisms. He's a "web consultant" (read that: "governed by creativity and emotion"). He's from Jackson Hole, Wyoming, known as a liberal outpost primarily because of both the artists and writers who go there and the celebrities and "enlightened wealthy" who have taken up residence there over the past couple of decades, similarly to Aspen and Telluride. He's 28, "leads an active life, enjoys the outdoors and hopes to get married some day." He's an obvious metrosexual, who simply chose to live in Jackson Hole rather than a loft in LoDo. I'd bet good money that he's a Democrat, probably a far-left one, and regularly insults folks like myself as "uneducated" or "idiotic". At the risk of stereotyping, I've met thousands like him during my IT career here in Denver. He could be a carbon copy of about 4/5 of the men I've met who would describe themselves as a "web consultant" and 1/2 of the men I've met who do IT work of any kind.

I would use the Left's "scientific foundation" against them and say that where this really leads is to extinction...for them. Liberals who struggle so hard against "traditional families" and so do not reproduce themselves, will die out. Isn't that what Darwin said? Traits of a species that are worthy of being retained will remain in the gene pool, right? So I say let the Liberals refuse to breed. To borrow the line from King Edward I in Braveheart: "If we can't get them out, we'll breed them out."

But then this analysis struck me as a bit...heavy-handed. During the holiday season it's good to step back and take a look at things in a different way, a gentler way. (I admit I can be pretty cold and judgmental at times with the things others do, and that's not always a good thing.) While it might be true that such anti-breeding sentiment could lead to a much lower level of liberal thinkers (and so much the better for conservatives), that really isn't what it's about. If the American Way truly is "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness", I think that differing interpretation of happiness is what all this is about. I also think we get far too bogged down sometimes in the details of what we believe happiness should be.

I had to think really hard about this. I like that this guy is at least honest about what he's done; he doesn't want the responsibility of children of his own. He is honest about his selfishness, that he's doing this because it's what he wants. He's essentially admitting that kids cramp his style, or he's too lazy and/or too irresponsible and/or too thoughtless to have his own kids, or that he can't/won't be able to raise them right. He's not doing this because he had a bad childhood or because he's gay or for any other "extenuating" factor; he's just doing what he thinks will make him happy. He's also honest with others. He reveals his choice as early as possible in any relationship so that nothing proceeds from false pretenses. He counsels that the choice he's made isn't for everyone. I can't disagree; the choice to have or not to have children is one of those ultimate, life-altering choices that everyone must face. I can respect his choice, for all of these things.

I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum. I have 4 children right now that I am responsible for. Three of them are my own flesh and blood and one is my step-son through my marriage to Heidi. I have an active role in raising them all. Donovan's dad lives in Illinois and has for over a year; I'm his primary father figure now. He jokingly calls me "O.D." for "Other Dad". This is a LOT of responsibility for anyone to take on. I work two jobs, help out my dad and his business as a third "job", and I serve on the Board of Directors at the boys' school. This is even more responsibility. I don't get much opportunity to enjoy the outdoors, like Mr. Byrum gets. I don't have the opportunity for an active life, outside of the activity I get with the boys. And like My Byrum's situation is his choice, this is my choice. In fact, Heidi and I are strongly considering trying for another baby, just one more before we call it quits for good. Heidi would really like one more kid, because she loves children so much, and I know she'd like to see if we can get a girl this time. This would add that much more work and responsibility but also joy to our lives.

Most importantly, like Mr. Byrum, I live my life this way because it is my choice.

These thoughts led to an epiphany for me...I am happy with this choice. I wouldn't keep making my choices this way if it didn't make me happy. My life can be and has been incredibly difficult (long-time readers have seen this). I don't recommend this to the faint of heart or the irresolute. I'm not exactly Superman myself; I make mistakes constantly. I sometimes don't act with the strength, faith, patience, leadership, and character that I should. I don't always do the best thing or lead in the right direction. But I'm learning to accept all of that. And I'm still happy. Sure, I'd like things to be a little simpler. I wish I didn't have to work the extra teaching job, and unfortunately, there's no end in sight for that. I wish I could spend more time with the kids. I wish I could devote more time to helping with their activities, just like my parents always did with me and my sister. I wish I could provide for them properly...not lavishly or greedily or wantonly, but with some flexibility. I wish I could provide the sense of family I got growing up, with all of my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins close by. I sometimes wonder if I'm the right man for this job, frankly, because I can be lazy, selfish, and thoughtless at times. I don't always think about the family first. We struggle financially sometimes. We struggle emotionally sometimes, because of the baggage we still have to deal with from our respective divorces and the effects that has on the kids.

But even with all of this, I realize that I am truly blessed, and that I am happy with the choices I have made. My family makes me happy. Sometimes...a lot of the time...I forget that. I'm not better than Mr. Byrum, and I won't pass judgment on his choice. He's at least honest enough to admit he's not up to the challenge, and his choice makes him happy. My choice makes me happy. In an odd way, I needed to hear Mr. Byrum's story, and especially at this time of year, as I look over the last year and the previous years and reflect. I have a good life. I'm about to start another year that will no doubt be difficult and have a lot of adversity to overcome. It will have its trials and tribulations. But it will have its victories and special moments, too. I am happy with my choice and the family I have been blessed with as a result. I am happy.

Thanks for reading along.